Sunrise Tantalize

I have always had a moral compass within me that tells me what is right and what is wrong. An internal liahona, perhaps. It’s a great compass and I believe that it gives me good values. These things are my core beliefs and they will not change. Now I have the LDS Church’s moral compass smacked down on top of my compass. The LDS compass wants me to follow it and not my internal compass. Most of the time, my moral compass and the LDS compass match up. But sometimes they don’t. And my internal compass overrides the LDS compass.

Maybe this is all too abstract, let me try to be more concrete. Let’s take homosexuality as an example (but I’m not looking to debate the morality of homosexuality!). I believe that homosexuality is totally normal and acceptable. I think it’s mostly genetic. Gay people should not be treated differently than straight people, and gay and straight people should have the same rights. I do not believe that God would look down on his sons and daughters who experience, or even act upon, same-sex attraction. Perhaps homosexuality is not part of the eternal plan and will not occur during the afterlife, but I do think it is acceptable here on earth. That is what my internal compass directs me to. Now the LDS compass says that homosexuality is wrong and a terrible sin. Same-sex attraction (SSA) is okay (but not preferable) as long as you don’t act upon it. Gay people should not get married, or anything close to getting married. Heavenly Father will punish you if you act upon your SSA feelings.

The internal compass wins. No one will ever be able to convince me that homosexuality is wrong. Not even the Church. Now let’s say that the Church asks me to support a ban on gay marriage in California because it is legislation in favor of the LDS view. Should I refuse because of my conscience that tells me that being gay is okay and getting married is a right? Or should I support the legislation because that’s what the Prophet says God wants me to do? Am I out of line if I refuse? Is the Prophet out of line? Are we both out of line for taking a “you’re either with us or against us” stance? Should my refusal to support such legislation (aka disobedience) be serious enough to warrant a disciplinary hearing? The most important question is: Is it more wrong to go against one’s conscience or one’s God?

Thoughts?

My last post got me thinking about personal revelation and/or personal experiences with the divine. I love personal revelation. It’s one of the things that drew me to the LDS Church. Its something I’ve immediately hooked into despite the fact that I’m not yet confirmed. For me, personal revelation is different than prayer. Prayer is when I take the time to address God and thank him for what I have been given, ask for blessings and help for those who need it, and to request help for myself. If I have questions that need answering through personal revelation, then I ask during prayer. Then I wait and continue going about my life. Sometimes I have to pray about things multiple times.

Then I get a very clear answer from the Spirit, usually while I’m doing something random like brushing my teeth or just walking around the house. It’s hard to describe what an answer feels like. It is a very clear thought that rises to my consciousness. It’s a thought that wasn’t there before. It’s usually something I haven’t thought of. Sometimes I question it, “Are you sure this is an answer? Is this what I need to know?” And the answer is “yes”. The answers are usually simple - conveyed in only one or two sentences. I doubt that these are responses that give me complete knowledge of the issue I’m asking about. It’s simply not God’s way to disclose everything. Where is the mystery and faith in that?

Learning to engage the spirit and to obtain personal revelation and seek confirmation from the Spirit was difficult at first. Sometimes I felt like I was jumping up and down and waving my spiritual arms above my head and shouting, “Hey! Hey! I’m over here! I have a question!” One of the first things I learned is to pray with intent. It is important to not just give God a specific set of answers to a question. I have to keep a peaceful mind. I typically don’t get an answer right after my prayer so I’ve learned to expect an answer at anytime or anywhere.

Feeling the Spirit/ revelation seems like my spiritual gift. It feels so right. I don’t believe that the Spirit can only be felt through the LDS faith or that Mormons have a monopoly on receiving answers from the Spirit. I do believe that for me the LDS faith is my conduit for the Spirit and experiencing personal revelation. I think that my gift could be helpful to others, but right now that is not my role. Besides I think my questions and answers would be different if I was seeking revelation for people other than myself.

Do you believe people can have spiritual gifts like revelation? Do you feel that you have a spiritual gift? I think being able to interpret scriptures is a spiritual gift. Is it blasphemous to claim to have spiritual gifts? Does someone need to say that you have such a gift?

My answers are yes, yes, no?, and no?.

This post came out of a response to a post on Mormon Women and Alternative Spiritual Paths by Bored in Vernal that got me thinking. In the post, Bored in Vernal wonders how and if LDS women who find value in alternative spiritual paths are able to reconcile their beliefs with the LDS Church. She compares the experiences of LDS women in the early days of the Church versus the experiences of women today.

I recently took a class on Medieval women writers who often wrote on religious material. Some of these women included Julian of Norwich, Margery Kempe, and Marie de France. Several of these women had alternative spiritual experiences. Some women spoke to God or Jesus Christ. Some saw the forbidden sacrament chalice quiver and rise into the air. Many women had visions. Many engaged in self-starvation and only consumed the sacrament. The theory is that since women were devalued by both the Medieval (Catholic) Church and society, that they had to take alternative paths to access or experience a higher power. There’s also theories about why so many of these experiences involve women’s bodies.

The LDS Church is also patriarchal, though women are valued much more than they were in the Middle Ages. I wonder if women in the LDS Church are also forced to find other ways of experiencing God since they are denied the power that comes with holding the priesthood. (And yes, it is power - even if it is only used for good. Men make up the leadership of our church.) In her post, Bored in Vernal says that many women who are drawn to alternative spiritual paths within the LDS Church often either go underground or leave the church due to differences with church members and leaders. I see this as the patriarchy repressing alternative ways of seeking God that do not honor the patriarchal structure.

It is taught that men and women have different roles in the church. Men should be fathers, providers, and priesthood holders. Women should be mothers and nurturers. Notice that women lack a spiritual role; a way to access God like that of men. If men and women are truly equal in their roles, then women should have their own spiritual role. Perhaps women are creating this role for themselves by exploring alternative spiritual paths - and I think Church leaders should respect, and maybe even encourage that role. (I should note that I have read that women working in temples do have that type of spiritual role, though I haven’t done any research on this myself.)

Personally I believe that women will receive a sanctioned spiritual role within the Church equal to but not the same as the priesthood. It’s only a question of time. This is a personal revelation of mine. Perhaps the women of the church need to embrace their alternative spiritual practices and this will cause the change to occur more quickly. If many women are blessing their sick or stressed children, then maybe this will be an accepted practice. Or maybe women need to find their own spiritual paths - paths that were used during the early days of the Mormon Church.

Alternative spiritual paths can be practicing divination, healing, prophesy, speaking in tongues, experiencing visions, et cetera. I find myself most drawn to healing and this makes sense since my career goal is to be a nurse. I could see myself as using aspects of the LDS faith to promote healing and proactive health practices among members. I can see LDS midwives using their faith to guide women and their families through healthy pregnancies and births. And I believe that many families are looking for this kind of care. Perhaps I’ll have to write a post on integrating healthcare and spiritual beliefs…

I believe in a very personal relationship with God. God and I have the agreement that I am responsible for my own salvation and exaltation, and no one else’s. There are key two points to that agreement. First, I am responsible for my salvation and exaltation. I am responsible for finding the right path back to Heavenly Father. It’s up to me to make covenants with God and follow his commandments to the best of my ability. Also, I can’t blame my problems or mistakes on anyone else.

The second part of my agreement with God is that I am not responsible for anyone else’s salvation. This has relieved a lot of stress for me. Sure, I can expose others to my faith so that they may see how it has changed my life. I cannot, however, convert them. I should not try to convert them. If they want to learn more about then that’s cool. I’ll teach them or invite them to church or send to the missionaries to be taught. But if someone doesn’t want to hear about the Church, that’s okay too.

The only person I wish would become LDS is my boyfriend. Still I cannot convert him. I really want an eternal marriage and I want to be sealed to my future children and I want to share my faith with my boyfriend. It makes me sad that I can’t have that. I observed a naming and blessing of a new baby the other day and I thought that it was really special that the dad could do that for his son. I wish we believed the same things. I wish he could see what I can see.

I believe that people must be exposed to a concept a certain number of times before they will actually consider it. It’s like the theory about introducing food to picky eaters. Some kids will have to be offered a food 10 times before they will actually try it. I figure that I count as a contact point with mormonism for those who aren’t LDS. If someone can have a positive experience with me while knowing that I’m LDS, then maybe they are more likely to try the LDS Church. Or at least they are more likely to ignore or correct stereotypes about Mormons in the future.

Do you consider yourself a member missionary? In what way?

This is my “Statement of Faith” from when I got confirmed in the Presbyterian Church eight years ago. It’s interesting how my beliefs have changed since then. I’ll have to work on an update. It will be posted later (eventually).

***

God is just one name for a collective spiritual being. There are many ways to believe in this spiritual being and Christianity is one way. God, Jesus, Son, Father, Lord, and Holy Spirit are all names for the same spiritual being. This being is not particularly male or female, but is more of an “it.” God is so complex that there is no real way to describe him. God is present everywhere and in everyone and everything.

Jesus was an example of God in human form. He was created so that we can relate to and more strongly believe in God. Jesus was involved in teaching us about God and about being a good person. Because Jesus is part of God, belief in God results in belief in Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Baptism and communion are two important sacraments. However they are not completely necessary. One’s true amount of commitment to one’s faith and one’s beliefs are only known to God and that person.

The Bible is a book of teaching and history. Due to the many revisions, it is not completely accurate. It was written mostly to allow the writers to express a message. While the Bible is an important tool, it is not the core of my faith.

The church is a place where people of similar beliefs can gather together to learn and grow in their faith. The people worship together and support each other. The church is also a place that aims to help others through mission work. Mission work is very important in the life of the church. The church should strive to be a good example for the rest of the community. The church should show love and tolerance for everyone. God loves everyone and the church should try to reflect this love into the lives of others.

In conclusion, I acknowledge that I may not have all of the answers. I also know that my faith changes everyday as I learn and grow.

***

The news media and blogosphere is awash with posts and stories about the California Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage. First I’d like to point out that the decision says that marriage is a constitutional right. However, if an amendment banning gay marriage was added to the California Constitution, then gay marriage would be prohibited in California. My first thought upon reading the headline was “yay! that’s a win for us,” where “us” means those who oppose a ban on gay marriage. You can oppose a ban on gay marriage and still disagree with gay marriage. There are many people who don’t support an amendment that would take away rights from individuals.

Personally I support civil gay marriage. I think that churches/ religious institutions should be able to determine whether or not they will marry people. I think the best solution would be to institute “civil unions” or a secular recognition of a marriage/union for all couples - gay and straight. Then if you want to be married in a church, you have to find a church that agrees to marry you. Churches aren’t currently obligated to marry everyone who walks through their doors. I can’t force the LDS Church to marry my bf and I in the temple. In this plan, all previous/ existing marriages would be granted a civil union without having to go back to court. I don’t understand why there is opposition to this type of plan - can someone fill me in (in a polite way please)? I see the debate over the best environment to raise children in (gay, straight, single, married) as a completely different issue.

Maybe the problem is with our definition of marriage. Traditionally marriages were preformed by religious officials but they were also civilly binding. Now you can get married in a church or in a courthouse. You don’t get more civil benefits by getting married in a church. Let’s say my plan was enacted - civil unions are required for everyone, but church marriages are optional and the church can control who they marry. So everyone who has a civil marriage gets civil benefits - insurance benefits, tax benefits, et cetera. Churches can enact their own benefits as well. The LDS Church already does this in a way. Anyone not sealed or married in the temple cannot make it to the celestial kingdom. There’s also the benefits of fulfilling family expectations of getting married in a church. Unless the Boy converts to the LDS Church, we probably won’t be getting married by a religious leader and it won’t be in a church. This will be upsetting for some of relatives because the union won’t be blessed by God. But we feel that due to the variety of religions practiced by our families, as well as our own differing religions, a non-religious marriage would be the most peaceful and comfortable for everyone. Of course, I would prefer to eventually be sealed in the temple either in this life or the next and I doubt the bf would have an issue with that.

I think there are some great points brought up in the posts and comments at Feminine Mormon Housewives and By Common Consent. I’m sure there will be more posts in the next couple days.

What’s the big deal?

So why am I hesitant about telling my family and sharing my faith? Well, it’s not my style to tell everyone everything that is going on in my life. Everyone knows that I am very much in love with the Boy but they don’t need to know about all of our future plans or the exact ways that we show our love. I’m a quiet, reserved, introverted person. I don’t shout things from the rooftops.

In my family, sharing an idea means that the listener is now allowed to comment, make suggestions or condemn that idea. If you don’t want someone else’s opinion then don’t tell anyone about it. The difference between telling you (the audience) and my parents due to our relationship. Sure, you guys can comment and I can think about those comments but I can also choose to disregard them without consequences. My parents still have the idea that their opinion should count more than my own in my decision-making process. Then they get to nag me and follow me around until I submit to what they want me to do.

I also have heavy emotional scars from telling my parents things in the past. I didn’t tell them that I was depressed until I was 19 and I had been depressed since I was 12. Because I knew that they would blame me for a biological condition. Even though I’m well now, they still don’t want to talk about it. I’ve forgiven my parents for their reaction but it still hurts.

I think I’m avoiding telling my parents because I hate conflict. And I don’t want to defend my beliefs. I just want to say, “I’m getting baptized in the LDS church, and you’re welcome to come to the ceremony.” Then they can say, “Cool. We’ll come” or “Cool. But we don’t feel comfortable going.” But I know it’s not that easy. They’ll be a million questions about the church and what I do or don’t believe. The whole question of the grandchildren’s (my children’s) religion. What about baptism and marriage? What does the Boy think about all of this? How can I support a religion with such weird values? Why am I joining a religion that is anti-choice and doesn’t support homosexual relationships?

The current recommendation from Kay and the Boy is not to tell my parents about joining the Church. They think that if I must tell my parents, then I should do it after I move and not while I’m living at home.

I don’t know. I debated even posting about this. I don’t know how they’ll react. Heck, I should just tell my mom tonight and see what she says. Then I’ll have something to real to write about and not just be speculating.

Who I’ve Told So Far

So far I’ve told four people that I’m interested in in the LDS church. Two of them were my old roommates who were wondering why missionaries were sitting on their couches. The roommates didn’t really care, but had questions about polygamy. The third person was the Boy. His current official statement is that he’ll support me but he’ll be sad if I don’t want to look at churches with me after we’re married. That doesn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside but I’ll take what I can get. I guess. :-\ And I told my very best friend Kay tonight. She’s fairly indifferent and understands the blend of ‘liberal’ values plus the more conservative religion. This is the fairly non-religious girl who is attracted to other women and does research on lesbian Israeli culture, but may convert to Conservative Judaism rather than Reformed. She can’t really criticize me. But she is coming to my baptism. Yay! Other than those four people, no one else knows. I told my mom that I’ve gone to a Mormon church but that’s it.

Telling My Friends

I don’t think my friends will care because they’ve already heard enough strange things come out of my mouth. Besides, I’m the weird pro-choice, anti-war, feminist, and extremely liberal knitter who ends up answering awkward sex ed questions from friends most of the time.

Telling the Fam

I am worried about my parents and other relatives. My mom is fairly nonreligious though she does believe in God and she goes to church when she has to. Her attitude is going to be “um, why are you going to church? why are you, the liberal person you are, going to a church known for conservative values?” My dad is a Catholic/Presbyterian mix and I’m pretty sure he’ll think that I’m now going to hell. I think my mom’s parents might think I’m joining a cult but won’t give me a hard time. And if I told my dad’s parents, they would definitely think I’m going to hell. They almost disowned us when I was baptized Protestant and not Catholic. So I’m not telling the grandparents anything.

Stay tuned for: What’s the big deal?

So the countdown has begun. My baptism date is set. Now I need to think about (church-related) things I have to do before then.

• Continue taking lessons from the missionaries.
• Keep reading the scriptures.
  • I can read about five chapters of the Book of Mormon at a time and then I fall asleep. I’ll blame it on my faulty endocrine gland.
• Keep going to church.
• Research and think about things I am uncertain about.
• Finish my knitted wrap that I’ve now dubbed the Baptism Wrap.
• Learn how to pray aloud.
  • The missionaries laughed last time I prayed aloud - not in a mean way though.
• Remember to pray.
• Buy white underwear so I don’t flash everyone after I’ve been dunked.
• Follow the Word of Wisdom.
  • I’m down to no coffee, tea, wine or hard liquor. Tobacco was never an issue. No drinking in public. But I occasionally have a drink at home. The solution would just be to not buy any alcohol. But I’m living at my parents’ house and they usually have beer and wine around. Argh - self-control.
  • The comments on Drink, Drank, Drunk as well as this quote on the WoW has helped me, “Most people want some scientific proof of exactly which compound does exactly what, but honestly, it all just boils down to faith. The Lord doesn’t often provide a clear why with His commandments. If you believe the Lord said it, then you’ll just have to trust Him.”
• Tell my close family and friends about joining the LDS Church. (??)

That last item is going to be the hardest and I’ve been working on a post about it. My next few posts will probably be about that since I’ve decided it’s easier to explain in multiple parts.

Tonight I was asked, “Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?” Ummm, no? I don’t like the word ‘true’ in that sentence. A lot of Mormons say, “I know this Church is true” or “I know the Book of Mormon is true.” But what does that mean exactly?

To me, ‘true’ involves facts or something that can be empirically proven. Can I actually prove that the Book of Mormon is true? Can anyone prove that? No. Can anyone prove that God is real? No. Knowing kind of defeats the purpose of faith. Belief is more appropriate. I believe that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. Another way to put it is that I have a testimony. I think that believing is different than knowing but believing in something doesn’t make it less valid. It is a different way of knowing.

After explaining all of this to the missionaries and brother C, one of the missionaries says, “So I understand how you feel about the Book of Mormon. However, if someone else asks you, ‘Do you believe that the Book of Mormon is true…’” I said, “I should just say, ‘yes’ and avoid this 15-minute conversation!” And they said, yeah, that might be a good idea. Another thing I could say is that I have testimony that the Book of Mormon is valid.

Do statements like “This Church is true” bother other people? Is it a grammar issue? Can a noun be true? You don’t usually say, “This pillow is true.” You can say, “This story is true.” I think I’m just being an obsessive English major. I’ll stop now.