Sunrise Tantalize

Three more days until I move. Ahh! It’s exciting but also somewhat terrifying. I have a million and one things to do before then. And I would rather just sit around and watch TV and knit. It’s my only free time I’ll have for the next two years or so. I did manage to finish packing today - phew. Now I’m wondering if all of my boxes will fit into J’s car. I considered taking pictures of my giant mound of boxes and emailing the photos to him for his opinion. I suppose I can always ship anything that doesn’t fit.

I am so glad that I will no longer be in a long long distance relationship! Well, I’ll still be two hours away from him, but that’s better than 12 hours. And hopefully that means we’ll see each other on the weekends. Long distance relationships are awful, but they’re worth it if you’re with the right person. I just wish we could get married already. Last year I was hoping to get married this summer - especially since I’m moving across the country for this boy. But we ended up compromising and now I’m expecting a ring this summer. I’ll shoot for a wedding date of Aug. 2009. The commitment has been there for a long time, but J says that he’s committed to me even if we’re not married or engaged. But being married is so much more permanent! The whole engagement thing is his arena though. So I just have to wait. Which drives me crazy. Did I mention that I like to be in control of these types of things? Sorry if I’m rambling and whining.

Anyhow, I feel like I’m starting a new chapter of my life. I’ll finally be (almost) completely independent from my parents. I’ve already graduated from college, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get another bachelors degree. I’ll know what to expect. The depression is mostly under control so I won’t have to grapple with that again. I’ll live in this great, big city with lots of things to do and lots of people my age. I’ll make new friends. I’ll probably be engaged soon, then married. Then comes the new job and moving again (for J’s schooling). Then being a mother (hopefully) - and I think that will be the start of another chapter.

For the last month or so, I’ve been having trouble sleeping. As in, I can’t fall asleep until 5 or 6 in the morning when I am so exhausted my mind can’t keep me awake anymore. I am and have been so anxious! And it’s not something I can control. These anxious thoughts about moving keep entering my head. Once they’re there, I can control them. I tell myself to STOP! And the thought goes away just to be replaced by another one. This all wasn’t helped by trying to go off one of my anti-depressants (on my psychiatrist’s recommendation). After trying to do that for two weeks, not being able to contact my psychiatrist, being so miserable one night that I was considering going to the psych ER because I was so sleep-deprived, my psychiatrist finally called me back and said, “I think you should go back on the wellbutrin.” Gee, you think?! So I have and it has helped somewhat. But apparently moving is so stressful that the meds cannot overcome it.

Moving is extremely stressful. I move in less than two weeks. This is the first time I’m moving away from my family. Even though I didn’t live at home, I went to college in the same town that my parents live in. If I really, really needed my family, they were there. I’m also moving away from my friends though I’ve done that several times before. Once I move, I’ll be starting a busy, stressful program at a school that it about 1/32 the size of my old school, and I won’t have time to miss anything if my depression kicks in next winter. But I did really want to get into this program and I am excited about it. And I’ll only be two hours away from the Boy, instead of 12 hours away. That means we can see each other on weekends! That means we’ll finally see each other after 10 weeks of not seeing each other. I keep telling myself that I’ll be okay, and I know I’ll be fine once I move, but until then it seems that I am destined to be sleepless.

Last night I was reading the Joseph Smith book because it was distracting enough to make my anxious thoughts go away. Yes, yes, I know I’m a dork. At about 4 am, I decide that I should probably stop watching tv/ reading and go to bed. So I lay in bed for an hour praying to God to take away my anxiety so I can sleep. I was also praying about why do people get sick, have chronic illnesses, and disabilities. I’ve been thinking this one over due to my own annual bouts of depression, finding out a ward member’s daughter has cancer, and hearing someone say that Melanie Roach said that her child with autism chose to come to her family when he was a spirit.  At 5 am I am still wide awake. Grumbling, I reach for the Joseph Smith book again because it’s nonfiction and nonfiction generally makes me sleepy. I open a page at random and find myself looking at the chapter called, “Stand fast through the Storms of Life.” There are my answers. We struggle because we must be tested before we can receive the blessings of the atonement. But God will support us. So did I just randomly happen to flip open to the right page? Maybe, maybe not. I think it wasn’t an accident. After reading the chapter I switched off my light, closed my eyes, and slept.

Now I leave you with a quote from Joseph Smith, “Stand fast, ye Saints of God, hold on a little while longer, and the storm of life will be past..” It’s only two more weeks; I can make it.

What better way to start off then to discuss the all-time confusing topic of getting engaged? Let me fill you in on the relationship thus far. The Boy and I have been dating for a little over a year. We met online via Match.com which sounds really cheesy. Yes yes, I see you rolling your eyes. But he was a student at the same school as me which makes it much less creepy than you might expect. Anyhow, after the third date I basically knew that we would get married one day. There was that instant sort of connection; we felt like we knew each other all our lives. As we enjoyed the first few months of being in love, there was a dark cloud hanging overhead: The Boy would be graduating and moving across the country in a few months. After many arguments with myself I decided that the connection we had was more important than the fact that he would be 12 hours away.

So while the beginning was rather rough, the year hasn’t been too bad. We see each every 3-5 weeks - this is mostly made possible by his full-time salary. Now the plan is/was/will ever be for me to move out to be with him. Ideally I would also be moving out there to go to school. Unfortunately, I am currently jobless and school-less. Thus I am not finding much motivation in moving out there. After a year of this we can obviously survive being apart for a few more months. I am just having a hard time with moving there for “us” or as it sometimes feels, for him.

If I was his wife, or soon-to-be-wife, this would be a whole lot easier. For the sake of “us” I could give up the job I love, the city I call home, and the closeness to my family. Can I give all of that up as his girlfriend? I’m not so sure. It’s not like we’re moving out there together. He’s already established there and I’m leaving everything behind. This ’sacrifice’ (as I see it) would be easier if we were experiencing these losses and frustrations together. I know that I will move out there. If not next month, then at the end of the summer. But I also know that without that marriage commitment I will be resentful and bitter beyond what is healthy.

The Boy visited this past weekend and I dragged him down to the antique shop with me to show him engagement rings. I found the most beautiful ring and we had my finger sized and everything. The Boy wants to plan out the proposal by himself without any input from me. Fine, I’ll grant that. But I really did put the pressure on this weekend. I want him to know how I feel without him feeling like I’m giving him an ultimatum. Finally I reminded him, “Moving out East is a huge commitment for me, and I would like a tangible commitment from you in return.” And after thinking all of this over, I’m not sure what I want. Do I want to be engaged ASAP? Or do I want him to wait?

Half of me says I want to be engaged ASAP so that I feel like I am more able to make the decision to move out there. It will also help me feel less resentful since I will feel like the commitment is reciprocated. Half of me wants him to wait until I move out there. I don’t feel totally in love with him right now. Maybe we should wait until I’ve stopped feeling resentful about the move. Either way, I’ll say yes and I won’t regret it at all. Perhaps I should just leave the timing up to him and deal with whatever happens…