Sunrise Tantalize

Before I became LDS I never prayed. Never ever. The only prayers heard in my family’s house were from extended relatives at Thanksgiving and Christmas. The constant praying that Mormons do still unnerves me a little. We have to pray before and after everything. You get at least six prayers within a three-hour block on Sundays. At my old church we kind of assumed that one prayer at the beginning of church would be good for the rest of the day. Not anymore. Plus I’m always anxious about getting called on to pray aloud. And despite all of my anxiety, I am so thankful that my investigations into the LDS church taught me to pray.

I’m still nervous about praying with J. Actually I’m nervous about discussing anything religious with J. But I think it would be a really good thing to do together. Especially before we go to sleep. It’s comforting for me to review the day and say what I’m thankful for and what I need help with. Plus if my SO can hear what I’m praying about he’ll know what’s important to me. This past Sunday was Fast Sunday. I told J that I was fasting and praying for us and our relationship since we’ve in a bit of a rough patch. And he was kind of like, “ok, that’s nice, dear.” Sigh. That wasn’t very encouraging.

The other day I was running a practice nursing assessment and I asked J how he would describe his religious beliefs. He says he’s not religious but he has faith. He has a strong belief in some kind of supernatural force but he doesn’t like religion. Sometimes I wonder if J is less inclined to pray because he thinks that his supernatural being doesn’t involve itself in human concerns. Would it matter if I was actually praying to nothing? Or to a god that doesn’t influence human affairs? No, not really. I would still pray. Prayer is a way to reflect upon my life. Especially private, personal prayer where I’m just having a chat with Heavenly Father. Prayer reminds me of all the good things in my life. Even when I’m having a horrible day and feel depressed I can still thank God that I have a roof over my head and food to eat (even if it’s only ramen). When I pray I can ask Heavenly Father to give me the (strength, perseverance, love, etc) to do what I need to do. Sometimes I ask God for things that I can’t directly change myself, but these are more important things. Prayer helps me acknowledge that some things are out of my hands and are better governed by God’s will. I think that even if I’m praying in vain (but I don’t think I am), it’s still psychologically beneficial. Actually there’s a whole section on spirituality and the benefits of spirituality in my nursing diagnosis and plan book. I’ll talk about that in my next post(s).

First, a quick note about my confirmation, I didn’t really feel any different at first though it was a cool experience. I did feel that taking part in the sacrament was more special than when I’ve taken communion before (in my previous faith). Then later in the day I was wandering around the house and I found myself singing softly to myself. The only time I sing is when I’m really happy - so, I guess I was happy.

***

I think I might take a slight turn in my posts and try to write about things that I’m exploring about my faith. They’ll be a little bit more abstract, a little bit more uncertain. I was meandering around the lds.org website and I read some things from the handbook that the Young Women use and I realized how differently I look at things compared to those who grew up in the LDS church. I’ve also been catching up on my reading about Joseph Smith and there’s so much I don’t know yet about the church. So be patient with me, I’m still learning.

I believe in a very personal relationship with God. God and I have the agreement that I am responsible for my own salvation and exaltation, and no one else’s. There are key two points to that agreement. First, I am responsible for my salvation and exaltation. I am responsible for finding the right path back to Heavenly Father. It’s up to me to make covenants with God and follow his commandments to the best of my ability. Also, I can’t blame my problems or mistakes on anyone else.

The second part of my agreement with God is that I am not responsible for anyone else’s salvation. This has relieved a lot of stress for me. Sure, I can expose others to my faith so that they may see how it has changed my life. I cannot, however, convert them. I should not try to convert them. If they want to learn more about then that’s cool. I’ll teach them or invite them to church or send to the missionaries to be taught. But if someone doesn’t want to hear about the Church, that’s okay too.

The only person I wish would become LDS is my boyfriend. Still I cannot convert him. I really want an eternal marriage and I want to be sealed to my future children and I want to share my faith with my boyfriend. It makes me sad that I can’t have that. I observed a naming and blessing of a new baby the other day and I thought that it was really special that the dad could do that for his son. I wish we believed the same things. I wish he could see what I can see.

I believe that people must be exposed to a concept a certain number of times before they will actually consider it. It’s like the theory about introducing food to picky eaters. Some kids will have to be offered a food 10 times before they will actually try it. I figure that I count as a contact point with mormonism for those who aren’t LDS. If someone can have a positive experience with me while knowing that I’m LDS, then maybe they are more likely to try the LDS Church. Or at least they are more likely to ignore or correct stereotypes about Mormons in the future.

Do you consider yourself a member missionary? In what way?

Today I was baptized! Yay! But not confirmed… which is a little weird. So I’ve been washed of my sins and I’m following God’s covenants, but I don’t have the Holy Ghost to guide me? Interesting.

My mom is not happy. Apparently she doesn’t believe in God anymore. I don’t know when that happened. They just joined a church four or five years ago. My dad, on the other hand, is super interested. He says he likes to learn about new religions. Especially Christian religions. He’s coming to my confirmation next week.

So the baptismal service was very nice. I met a lot of people for the first time since I’ve been attending various wards in the area. I am so grateful for the young couple who helped organize and run the service. Five minutes into the service I started regretting that my parents, especially my mom, was there. I was freaking out about how she would take some of the things the speakers were saying. Eventually I started to pray for God to soften my family’s hearts and left it up to him. I’m sure it didn’t help that I forgot to take my antidepressant meds that day.

I think I’ll describe what happened at my baptism because that’s one of the things I wondered about before my baptism.

I got to the church thirty minutes early. The couple that was helping with the service was there. They gave me a choice of two white baptismal gowns to wear. One looked like a nightgown and one looked more like a dress. I decided not to get changed before the service began because my family would give me a really hard time. Looking back on it, the gown that looked like a dress wasn’t all that bad and I could have worn that. I went to the front of the church just in time to welcome my family and friends.

The service started with the bishop welcoming everyone. There was an opening hymn and a prayer. One of the ward members who taught me with the missionaries did a talk on baptism and confirmation. Then the pianist played a special song. Then I went into the bathroom and changed into the baptismal gown that looked more like a dress. In the meanwhile, everyone went out into the sanctuary where the baptismal font is. There’s doors that separate the baptismal font from the sanctuary, and the font is near the men and women’s bathrooms. The font sinks into the ground and looks like an L with steps on the short part of the L and the rest of the font perpendicular to it. There’s glass that separates the font area from the sanctuary. Luckily the water was about bath water temperature.

The missionaries had me take off my watch and the black hair tie that was around my wrist. We had a one minute discussion about what to do with my glasses. I convinced them to let me keep my glasses so that I didn’t trip down the steps and crack my head open. I put them on the ledge of the font right before I got baptized. We practiced how the baptism would be done and made sure that the missionary who was baptizing me knew what to say. Then we went into the font and they opened the doors to the sanctuary. All the little kids were sitting in the front and obviously they found this part the most interesting. My dress floated up around me so I had to push it down into the water. Guys have it easy - they get to wear pants. The missionary held my right wrist with his left hand and I grabbed his wrist with my left hand. Then he said the prayer and I bent my knees and leaned backwards while he supported my back so I didn’t fall all the way over. When I came up, I couldn’t see anything. No one said anything, so I whispered, “Did I go all the way under?” And still no one said anything and they shut the doors really quickly. I was happy that I couldn’t see much so that I didn’t see my mom’s face when I came up.

Then I dripped all over the place until someone found a towel. In the bathroom I managed to pull the zipper of the dress down and peel the dress off. Let me tell you, I am very glad I wore white underwear and a nude colored full slip under that dress. Because when I got dunked it turned into a wet tee-shirt contest where I was the only contestant. (Not really - but wet clothes really cling to the body.) Halfway through changing I remembered reading something about a missionary schpeal to the family and friends while I was changing, so I hurried up and didn’t dry my hair. When I got out of the bathroom, the bishop told me that I wouldn’t be confirmed today. That will be next week. Luckily, they only watched a movie about Jesus’s life while I was changing. It didn’t look that bad and showed familiar things - the Last Supper; Jesus washing people’s feet. Some little kid behind me said, “Is that Jesus Christ?” in a loud whisper. They turned the movie off a minute or two I returned from the bathroom.

When I sat down, my mom turned around and gave me the look of death. It was a how can you do this, you are brainwashed, you are in a cult, i hate this movie, i can’t believe i’m here, they’re trying to convert me look. That really hurt and I wanted to cry. After they turned the movie off, the Relief Society president gave a talk on what the Relief Society is and welcomed me to the Relief Society. The talk had a bit of sexist undertone that made me wince a little. More on that later. Then the bishop gave a talk about how glad they were that I was baptized and how the Church was true. And he pointed out that most of the people at the baptism didn’t even know me, but they wanted to support me. And he said that my ward family couldn’t replace my biological family. And he was happy that my friends and my family were there for me. Then we sang “Come Follow Me” which was coincidentally one of the hymn sung on the first day that I went to church. (I didn’t pick any of the hymn or the speakers though I guess most baptism candidates do.) Then we had snacks and drinks and I met a bunch of people and thanked them for coming to my baptism and that was it! I’m excited about my confirmation next week.

PS - Does anyone know where I can find some inexpensive scriptures? I have ‘economy’ copies of the Book of Mormon and the King James Bible that the missionaries gave me. I’d like some nicer scriptures but I can’t really afford to spend $60 right now. I might just end up ordering the ‘economy’ versions. I haven’t seen much on ebay or Amazon.

Five minutes ago, I told my mom that I was joining a new church.

“Ok,” she says, “what church?”
“The Mormon Church,” I say.
“Really?” She laughs. “Okay.”
So far, so good, I think.
“Is the Boy a Mormon?”
“No.”
“Why do you have to be a member? Why can’t you just go?”
“Because I want to join.”
“But you’ll have to join again after you move.”
“No, you only have to join once in one location,” I say.
I go to the fridge to get something to eat. I congratulate myself…

“You can’t join the Mormon Church now. That’s irrational!” she says and follows me into the kitchen.
Darn it! I knew it was too good to be true.
“Why is it irrational?” I say.
“Because you have too much going on in your life! And the fact that you can’t see it’s irrational makes it an irrational decision.”
“I have absolutely nothing going on in my life.”
“Then go downstairs and repack your apartment stuff,” Mom says.
“Mom, that’s just stuff.”
“You have a boyfriend.”
“And?”
“You’re moving across the country! To a new city. To a new college. You’re entering a stressful program.”

And at that point I just stopped talking. I was hoping that she’d be okay with it but I guess she’s not. At least all of my close friends are coming to my baptism as are my siblings. (And then we’re getting sushi! yum!) It’s already hard enough having (relative) strangers baptizing me and speaking at the service. It would be nice if my boyfriend or my dad belonged to the church so they could baptize me. It would be nice if my parents showed up for the baptism.

Yes, I am at a stressful point in my life. The reason why I began looking into all of this religion stuff was because I was sick. It made me want to do all of the things I had been putting off. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Let’s say I’m making a mistake by being baptized. Eventually I’ll figure it out and leave the church… if I’m making a mistake. But right now, I don’t feel like it’s a mistake. Sigh.

This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “I am a child of God.” And I believe that the LDS Church is my path back to my Heavenly Father. The LDS Church isn’t a perfect church but it’s the closest there currently is. Thus I must get baptized.

Despite knowing that I should get baptized, I am still uneasy. I wasn’t really sure why. I started four posts about it but I couldn’t quite articulate what’s bothering me. I think I’ve figured it out. How am I going to fit my spiritual life with my secular life? Why am I drawn to a church with some social beliefs that I don’t agree with.

In my secular life I am very left leaning politically and socially. I’m a pretty much a live and let live person. I do advocate responsibility, moderation, and being informed in all things. I’m prochoice. I think premarital sex is fine. I think it’s okay for people to live together before marriage, though it is not the choice for me. I think it’s fine to drink. I love my gay friends and family members. I want them to have the same rights as I do. I support civil unions/marriage for all people, though I do support the right of religious organizations to restrict marriages within their church. I’m proud to say that I’m a feminist. I usually end up voting for Democrats due to certain policies.

Now I have this religious aspect of my life. I will belong to a church that prohibits alcohol, tea, tobacco, sex before marriage. This church has gender roles that I’m not happy with, though I’m hopeful that it will get better. A majority of LDS Church members vote for the Republican party. The Church doesn’t support equal rights for gay Americans. It is not prochoice.

I believe there’s a place in the Church for everyone. Including me. Fitting a liberal viewpoint and lifestyle into the LDS Church is a common concern for some converts. I’ve found several posts from Feminist Mormon Housewives from guest posters asking for advice (here and here). I’m not too worried about fitting in at church, though I was in the past. We’re all there for the same purpose. I can use the scriptures and personal revelation to obtain answers to things that trouble me.

I’m more worried about being LDS in my personal life. Can I maintain my positions on social issues while being a member of the LDS Church? Will people view me in the same way? What will my friends and family think? This weekend I went to my gay relative’s wedding with my best friend Kay. Kay kept asking me (in a nice way), how could I be joining a church with such “conservative” values? I don’t know. Can I maintain my belief that all people should be able to marry, and believe that the church is “true”? I hope so. What I witnessed this weekend was so beautiful that I can’t imagine God condemning it.

sophia*rising (commentor #8 at this fMh post) posted her solution to being a liberal, a Mormon, and a convert:

I finally just came to the conclusion that if “someone like me” could be so drawn to it, and still have these strong feelings, then I needed to stop looking at it as either/or. Why do I have to choose when I am already entertaining both? The only problem I have is the one I give myself when I second guess myself, [or] wonder what my “liberal” friends will think of me (that is a factor that I hate to admit). [...] Obviously the person you are now (and the person I am now!) still has enough in common with the Church for its teachings to ring true. And I’m willing to say that maybe after studying, my views will change (although I doubt they will, as I felt this way even during my hardcore evangelical, no secular anything high school days, when I realized I couldn’t force myself to believe some of it). So, take the plunge. At this point, it’s only your own reservations about it that are keeping you.

It shouldn’t matter what other people think about me. I need the strength to say, this is a part of who I am because I am a child of God and nothing else matters. I need the courage to tell my parents that I’m getting baptized in less than a week. And I need to not seem ashamed that I am joining the LDS Church. I don’t need to be defensive. How can I feel something is so right, but be defensive about it? Maybe this is all pre-baptism jitters.

The baptism is still on. Yay. I am actually excited. I decided several weeks ago that I wanted to be baptized. This was after the Boy told me that he knew that I would be baptized from the way I talked about the church. I’ve decided that I want to be baptized here and not after I move because I know people here and I want them to attend my baptism. I still need to tell the parents. But I feel more confident about that as my confidence in my decision and the LDS church grows.

The Boy and I had a long, emotional talk about the conversion issue. Of course this was while I wasn’t feeling well so I cried through most of it. Basically I said the same things that I said in Ch-ch-changes. I’ve asked him to be open with me about his thoughts and feelings. I think I was exaggerating how the Boy felt about the issue because he wasn’t talking to me about how he felt. This is the first major issue that we’ve had in our year and a half relationship, and it’s very hard to resolve on the phone when you’re a 12-hour drive away. Oh well, relationships are work. Luckily we respect each other and can work things out. Things are better now and he really is a great boyfriend. (You guys only get to hear me stress out about him and the religion issue here.)

I met with the missionaries today. The meeting was less tense than the last meeting. However, it is very awkward to have a conversation about the Law of Chastity with three men when no one else is around. Not to mention slightly inappropriate. I realize that someone has to teach me about it… but it was strange. I wish they had just told me to read the pamphlet and then I could ask them questions if I didn’t understand something. Seriously, how hard is the Law of Chastity to understand? I even summed it up for them: no sexual relations or activities outside of marriage. But then they had to clarify what those activities were. I spent most of the time staring at my shoes and zoning out. The ward member who was there did the same. Much to my surprise, I answered “yes” when I was asked if I would obey the Law of Chastity. I was planning on refusing to answer because I think it’s between me and God and it’s no one else’s business. I think I just wanted the awkwardness to be over so I blurted out “yes.” Awkward.

Anyhow, I feel like joining the LDS Church is like coming back home and I know that being baptized is the right decision.

Well, I feel much better today. Some chemical must have been off in my brain or it was a weird side effect of my endocrine condition. Anyhow, church was the highlight of my day yesterday. I ended up going to the later ward that meets in the same building as my ward. My mom wanted to go out for breakfast in the morning and I’m not going to argue with mom on Mother’s Day. Luckily I knew a few families from when the Boy and I visited that ward, and sat with Kirsty and her family. Kirsty was a huge help and she has the convert experience. Her dad took several years to convert so it was helpful to talk to her about that too. Oh, and they passed out chocolate to all the women. Now that’s my kind of church!! (Just kidding - kind of)

The Gospel Principles lesson was on the Holy Ghost. The LDS concept of the Holy Ghost is really unique. Probably because the LDS Church lacks the Trinitarian belief of my old Presbyterian church. The rest of this post will probably sound rather strange to those who aren’t familiar with LDS beliefs. Anyhow, in the Gospel Principles class, Kirsty told me about the analogy of how the Holy Ghost is like the sun. There is just one sun but people everywhere can feel the sun when they’re standing in it. Remove yourself from the sun by standing in the shade is like blocking the Holy Ghost by not following God’s commandments. When you’re in the shade, you can still feel some heat from the sun and you remember what it feels like. I know now this is a common analogy, but whoever thought it up was very clever!

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I can’t always feel the Holy Ghost.  Like the answers don’t come very easily. I have to work much harder for them. I feel like I have to jump up and down and wave my hands and shout “Hey! Over here! I have a question!” I’m hoping that I can feel the Holy Ghost all the time after being baptized. Kirsty told me that she was baptized in her mid-teens and she could feel the Holy Ghost right away.

I did finally pray with intent about drinking alcohol. I’ve prayed several times before and never really got an answer, but I think I wasn’t ready to hear an answer. So on Saturday night I prayed to know if I should follow the Word of Wisdom and not drink. A few hours later, I had my answer. One way the Holy Ghost speaks to me is when I sense a very strong, clear thought that wasn’t there before. This time the thought was “Sometimes you don’t know why I ask you to do things, but in time, I will will make these things known.” 

Something I realized today is that my transition into the Church of JC of LDS is harder on my friends and family then it is on me. I am willing to make changes in my life because I have feel something special in my heart. Other people haven’t had this experience and don’t understand the changes. I also spend a lot of time thinking about my decision to be baptized and about various issues involving the Church. They don’t do that. So they look at me and think, what is wrong with her? Why is she changing so much? Why does she go to church for three hours? Why doesn’t she drink?

Honestly, my habits have changed but my overall personality has not. I’m still the same person that I’ve always been and my relationships with friends and family are the same. I think it’s just a shock to them and I hope that things will get better in time.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions at once. The missionaries want me to be what I call “more Mormon”. They want me to hurry up and accept things. Their favorite answer is since I “know” the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph Smith’s revelations must be true, and thus whatever they are teaching me must be true. They don’t seem to want to see things from my perspective or to understand that this is also a huge cultural change for me as well.

Then I have my friends pulling on my other arm. They want me to be “less Mormon”. To change more slowly. They have a harder time understanding why I’m choosing to join the LDS Church. They think it’s happening too fast.

Yesterday I met with the missionaries and a couple from the ward and we talked about the Word of Wisdom. Since I knew that I’d have issues with the Word of Wisdom, I’ve been researching and praying about it for several weeks. I’ve changed my habits so that I can obey the Word of Wisdom even though I’m still working on the drinking aspect. I tried to explain to them where I’m coming from. Drinking is a big part of my (college, twenty-something, secular) culture. The other group thing is that I have a hard time taking advice about drinking from people who have never tried alcohol. I wanted credit for what I’ve done so far, but the missionaries wanted a firm commitment that I will live the Word of Wisdom. I told them that I was doing the best I can. I went home feeling frustrated.

Side note: one missionary also implied that my boyfriend is a bad influence on me. He compared my bf to a drill sergeant who seriously harassed and was abusive toward one of the other missionaries who used to be a marine. Personally I think the missionary has issues with his nonmember father and takes it out on me and my boyfriend. I’m having a hard time interacting with and trusting this missionary now and I don’t want him to be a part of my baptism. If this becomes a bigger problem, what can I do about it? Can I talk to his mission president? Should I confront the missionary directly and tell him that he’s making me uncomfortable? I know that his behavior isn’t typical of all missionaries.

There’s more to this post/topic including some positive things. But I have a migraine so I’ll probably post the rest of it later.

What’s the big deal?

So why am I hesitant about telling my family and sharing my faith? Well, it’s not my style to tell everyone everything that is going on in my life. Everyone knows that I am very much in love with the Boy but they don’t need to know about all of our future plans or the exact ways that we show our love. I’m a quiet, reserved, introverted person. I don’t shout things from the rooftops.

In my family, sharing an idea means that the listener is now allowed to comment, make suggestions or condemn that idea. If you don’t want someone else’s opinion then don’t tell anyone about it. The difference between telling you (the audience) and my parents due to our relationship. Sure, you guys can comment and I can think about those comments but I can also choose to disregard them without consequences. My parents still have the idea that their opinion should count more than my own in my decision-making process. Then they get to nag me and follow me around until I submit to what they want me to do.

I also have heavy emotional scars from telling my parents things in the past. I didn’t tell them that I was depressed until I was 19 and I had been depressed since I was 12. Because I knew that they would blame me for a biological condition. Even though I’m well now, they still don’t want to talk about it. I’ve forgiven my parents for their reaction but it still hurts.

I think I’m avoiding telling my parents because I hate conflict. And I don’t want to defend my beliefs. I just want to say, “I’m getting baptized in the LDS church, and you’re welcome to come to the ceremony.” Then they can say, “Cool. We’ll come” or “Cool. But we don’t feel comfortable going.” But I know it’s not that easy. They’ll be a million questions about the church and what I do or don’t believe. The whole question of the grandchildren’s (my children’s) religion. What about baptism and marriage? What does the Boy think about all of this? How can I support a religion with such weird values? Why am I joining a religion that is anti-choice and doesn’t support homosexual relationships?

The current recommendation from Kay and the Boy is not to tell my parents about joining the Church. They think that if I must tell my parents, then I should do it after I move and not while I’m living at home.

I don’t know. I debated even posting about this. I don’t know how they’ll react. Heck, I should just tell my mom tonight and see what she says. Then I’ll have something to real to write about and not just be speculating.