Sunrise Tantalize

Today I was baptized! Yay! But not confirmed… which is a little weird. So I’ve been washed of my sins and I’m following God’s covenants, but I don’t have the Holy Ghost to guide me? Interesting.

My mom is not happy. Apparently she doesn’t believe in God anymore. I don’t know when that happened. They just joined a church four or five years ago. My dad, on the other hand, is super interested. He says he likes to learn about new religions. Especially Christian religions. He’s coming to my confirmation next week.

So the baptismal service was very nice. I met a lot of people for the first time since I’ve been attending various wards in the area. I am so grateful for the young couple who helped organize and run the service. Five minutes into the service I started regretting that my parents, especially my mom, was there. I was freaking out about how she would take some of the things the speakers were saying. Eventually I started to pray for God to soften my family’s hearts and left it up to him. I’m sure it didn’t help that I forgot to take my antidepressant meds that day.

I think I’ll describe what happened at my baptism because that’s one of the things I wondered about before my baptism.

I got to the church thirty minutes early. The couple that was helping with the service was there. They gave me a choice of two white baptismal gowns to wear. One looked like a nightgown and one looked more like a dress. I decided not to get changed before the service began because my family would give me a really hard time. Looking back on it, the gown that looked like a dress wasn’t all that bad and I could have worn that. I went to the front of the church just in time to welcome my family and friends.

The service started with the bishop welcoming everyone. There was an opening hymn and a prayer. One of the ward members who taught me with the missionaries did a talk on baptism and confirmation. Then the pianist played a special song. Then I went into the bathroom and changed into the baptismal gown that looked more like a dress. In the meanwhile, everyone went out into the sanctuary where the baptismal font is. There’s doors that separate the baptismal font from the sanctuary, and the font is near the men and women’s bathrooms. The font sinks into the ground and looks like an L with steps on the short part of the L and the rest of the font perpendicular to it. There’s glass that separates the font area from the sanctuary. Luckily the water was about bath water temperature.

The missionaries had me take off my watch and the black hair tie that was around my wrist. We had a one minute discussion about what to do with my glasses. I convinced them to let me keep my glasses so that I didn’t trip down the steps and crack my head open. I put them on the ledge of the font right before I got baptized. We practiced how the baptism would be done and made sure that the missionary who was baptizing me knew what to say. Then we went into the font and they opened the doors to the sanctuary. All the little kids were sitting in the front and obviously they found this part the most interesting. My dress floated up around me so I had to push it down into the water. Guys have it easy - they get to wear pants. The missionary held my right wrist with his left hand and I grabbed his wrist with my left hand. Then he said the prayer and I bent my knees and leaned backwards while he supported my back so I didn’t fall all the way over. When I came up, I couldn’t see anything. No one said anything, so I whispered, “Did I go all the way under?” And still no one said anything and they shut the doors really quickly. I was happy that I couldn’t see much so that I didn’t see my mom’s face when I came up.

Then I dripped all over the place until someone found a towel. In the bathroom I managed to pull the zipper of the dress down and peel the dress off. Let me tell you, I am very glad I wore white underwear and a nude colored full slip under that dress. Because when I got dunked it turned into a wet tee-shirt contest where I was the only contestant. (Not really - but wet clothes really cling to the body.) Halfway through changing I remembered reading something about a missionary schpeal to the family and friends while I was changing, so I hurried up and didn’t dry my hair. When I got out of the bathroom, the bishop told me that I wouldn’t be confirmed today. That will be next week. Luckily, they only watched a movie about Jesus’s life while I was changing. It didn’t look that bad and showed familiar things - the Last Supper; Jesus washing people’s feet. Some little kid behind me said, “Is that Jesus Christ?” in a loud whisper. They turned the movie off a minute or two I returned from the bathroom.

When I sat down, my mom turned around and gave me the look of death. It was a how can you do this, you are brainwashed, you are in a cult, i hate this movie, i can’t believe i’m here, they’re trying to convert me look. That really hurt and I wanted to cry. After they turned the movie off, the Relief Society president gave a talk on what the Relief Society is and welcomed me to the Relief Society. The talk had a bit of sexist undertone that made me wince a little. More on that later. Then the bishop gave a talk about how glad they were that I was baptized and how the Church was true. And he pointed out that most of the people at the baptism didn’t even know me, but they wanted to support me. And he said that my ward family couldn’t replace my biological family. And he was happy that my friends and my family were there for me. Then we sang “Come Follow Me” which was coincidentally one of the hymn sung on the first day that I went to church. (I didn’t pick any of the hymn or the speakers though I guess most baptism candidates do.) Then we had snacks and drinks and I met a bunch of people and thanked them for coming to my baptism and that was it! I’m excited about my confirmation next week.

PS - Does anyone know where I can find some inexpensive scriptures? I have ‘economy’ copies of the Book of Mormon and the King James Bible that the missionaries gave me. I’d like some nicer scriptures but I can’t really afford to spend $60 right now. I might just end up ordering the ‘economy’ versions. I haven’t seen much on ebay or Amazon.

Five minutes ago, I told my mom that I was joining a new church.

“Ok,” she says, “what church?”
“The Mormon Church,” I say.
“Really?” She laughs. “Okay.”
So far, so good, I think.
“Is the Boy a Mormon?”
“No.”
“Why do you have to be a member? Why can’t you just go?”
“Because I want to join.”
“But you’ll have to join again after you move.”
“No, you only have to join once in one location,” I say.
I go to the fridge to get something to eat. I congratulate myself…

“You can’t join the Mormon Church now. That’s irrational!” she says and follows me into the kitchen.
Darn it! I knew it was too good to be true.
“Why is it irrational?” I say.
“Because you have too much going on in your life! And the fact that you can’t see it’s irrational makes it an irrational decision.”
“I have absolutely nothing going on in my life.”
“Then go downstairs and repack your apartment stuff,” Mom says.
“Mom, that’s just stuff.”
“You have a boyfriend.”
“And?”
“You’re moving across the country! To a new city. To a new college. You’re entering a stressful program.”

And at that point I just stopped talking. I was hoping that she’d be okay with it but I guess she’s not. At least all of my close friends are coming to my baptism as are my siblings. (And then we’re getting sushi! yum!) It’s already hard enough having (relative) strangers baptizing me and speaking at the service. It would be nice if my boyfriend or my dad belonged to the church so they could baptize me. It would be nice if my parents showed up for the baptism.

Yes, I am at a stressful point in my life. The reason why I began looking into all of this religion stuff was because I was sick. It made me want to do all of the things I had been putting off. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Let’s say I’m making a mistake by being baptized. Eventually I’ll figure it out and leave the church… if I’m making a mistake. But right now, I don’t feel like it’s a mistake. Sigh.

This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “I am a child of God.” And I believe that the LDS Church is my path back to my Heavenly Father. The LDS Church isn’t a perfect church but it’s the closest there currently is. Thus I must get baptized.

Despite knowing that I should get baptized, I am still uneasy. I wasn’t really sure why. I started four posts about it but I couldn’t quite articulate what’s bothering me. I think I’ve figured it out. How am I going to fit my spiritual life with my secular life? Why am I drawn to a church with some social beliefs that I don’t agree with.

In my secular life I am very left leaning politically and socially. I’m a pretty much a live and let live person. I do advocate responsibility, moderation, and being informed in all things. I’m prochoice. I think premarital sex is fine. I think it’s okay for people to live together before marriage, though it is not the choice for me. I think it’s fine to drink. I love my gay friends and family members. I want them to have the same rights as I do. I support civil unions/marriage for all people, though I do support the right of religious organizations to restrict marriages within their church. I’m proud to say that I’m a feminist. I usually end up voting for Democrats due to certain policies.

Now I have this religious aspect of my life. I will belong to a church that prohibits alcohol, tea, tobacco, sex before marriage. This church has gender roles that I’m not happy with, though I’m hopeful that it will get better. A majority of LDS Church members vote for the Republican party. The Church doesn’t support equal rights for gay Americans. It is not prochoice.

I believe there’s a place in the Church for everyone. Including me. Fitting a liberal viewpoint and lifestyle into the LDS Church is a common concern for some converts. I’ve found several posts from Feminist Mormon Housewives from guest posters asking for advice (here and here). I’m not too worried about fitting in at church, though I was in the past. We’re all there for the same purpose. I can use the scriptures and personal revelation to obtain answers to things that trouble me.

I’m more worried about being LDS in my personal life. Can I maintain my positions on social issues while being a member of the LDS Church? Will people view me in the same way? What will my friends and family think? This weekend I went to my gay relative’s wedding with my best friend Kay. Kay kept asking me (in a nice way), how could I be joining a church with such “conservative” values? I don’t know. Can I maintain my belief that all people should be able to marry, and believe that the church is “true”? I hope so. What I witnessed this weekend was so beautiful that I can’t imagine God condemning it.

sophia*rising (commentor #8 at this fMh post) posted her solution to being a liberal, a Mormon, and a convert:

I finally just came to the conclusion that if “someone like me” could be so drawn to it, and still have these strong feelings, then I needed to stop looking at it as either/or. Why do I have to choose when I am already entertaining both? The only problem I have is the one I give myself when I second guess myself, [or] wonder what my “liberal” friends will think of me (that is a factor that I hate to admit). [...] Obviously the person you are now (and the person I am now!) still has enough in common with the Church for its teachings to ring true. And I’m willing to say that maybe after studying, my views will change (although I doubt they will, as I felt this way even during my hardcore evangelical, no secular anything high school days, when I realized I couldn’t force myself to believe some of it). So, take the plunge. At this point, it’s only your own reservations about it that are keeping you.

It shouldn’t matter what other people think about me. I need the strength to say, this is a part of who I am because I am a child of God and nothing else matters. I need the courage to tell my parents that I’m getting baptized in less than a week. And I need to not seem ashamed that I am joining the LDS Church. I don’t need to be defensive. How can I feel something is so right, but be defensive about it? Maybe this is all pre-baptism jitters.

The following is a little thought experiment. It doesn’t apply to me. As I’ve said in a previous post, I’ve decided to obey everything in the Word of Wisdom as it is interpreted. And I haven’t had a drink in about a month. Self high five! ala The Todd from “Scrubs”. Anyhow, I was thinking about a “what if” situation - as in what if I made a decision like Suzie does in the situation below.

Let’s say that Suzie is an investigator. Suzie decides one of the LDS Church’s commandments doesn’t apply to her. Let’s say she doesn’t like the no alcohol clause of the Word of Wisdom. She’s thought about the commandment. She’s prayed about the commandment. She understands why the commandment is so broad and prohibits all alcohol. She believes that she has received the testimony that for her, following the Word of Wisdom means that she is not to drink any hard liquor but she is permitted to drink beer.

Is it permissible for her to be baptized? When asked if she will follow the Word of Wisdom, can she say ‘yes’ since she has already clarified the WoW with God? After all, she’s not making a covenant with people; she’s making it with God and truly believes that is the correct promise to make. Even though she believes she has the go-ahead from God to drink beer, should she still abstain from drinking beer? Should she be required to disclose her unique interpretation of the Word of Wisdom? What do you think about this situation?

The baptism is still on. Yay. I am actually excited. I decided several weeks ago that I wanted to be baptized. This was after the Boy told me that he knew that I would be baptized from the way I talked about the church. I’ve decided that I want to be baptized here and not after I move because I know people here and I want them to attend my baptism. I still need to tell the parents. But I feel more confident about that as my confidence in my decision and the LDS church grows.

The Boy and I had a long, emotional talk about the conversion issue. Of course this was while I wasn’t feeling well so I cried through most of it. Basically I said the same things that I said in Ch-ch-changes. I’ve asked him to be open with me about his thoughts and feelings. I think I was exaggerating how the Boy felt about the issue because he wasn’t talking to me about how he felt. This is the first major issue that we’ve had in our year and a half relationship, and it’s very hard to resolve on the phone when you’re a 12-hour drive away. Oh well, relationships are work. Luckily we respect each other and can work things out. Things are better now and he really is a great boyfriend. (You guys only get to hear me stress out about him and the religion issue here.)

I met with the missionaries today. The meeting was less tense than the last meeting. However, it is very awkward to have a conversation about the Law of Chastity with three men when no one else is around. Not to mention slightly inappropriate. I realize that someone has to teach me about it… but it was strange. I wish they had just told me to read the pamphlet and then I could ask them questions if I didn’t understand something. Seriously, how hard is the Law of Chastity to understand? I even summed it up for them: no sexual relations or activities outside of marriage. But then they had to clarify what those activities were. I spent most of the time staring at my shoes and zoning out. The ward member who was there did the same. Much to my surprise, I answered “yes” when I was asked if I would obey the Law of Chastity. I was planning on refusing to answer because I think it’s between me and God and it’s no one else’s business. I think I just wanted the awkwardness to be over so I blurted out “yes.” Awkward.

Anyhow, I feel like joining the LDS Church is like coming back home and I know that being baptized is the right decision.

What’s the big deal?

So why am I hesitant about telling my family and sharing my faith? Well, it’s not my style to tell everyone everything that is going on in my life. Everyone knows that I am very much in love with the Boy but they don’t need to know about all of our future plans or the exact ways that we show our love. I’m a quiet, reserved, introverted person. I don’t shout things from the rooftops.

In my family, sharing an idea means that the listener is now allowed to comment, make suggestions or condemn that idea. If you don’t want someone else’s opinion then don’t tell anyone about it. The difference between telling you (the audience) and my parents due to our relationship. Sure, you guys can comment and I can think about those comments but I can also choose to disregard them without consequences. My parents still have the idea that their opinion should count more than my own in my decision-making process. Then they get to nag me and follow me around until I submit to what they want me to do.

I also have heavy emotional scars from telling my parents things in the past. I didn’t tell them that I was depressed until I was 19 and I had been depressed since I was 12. Because I knew that they would blame me for a biological condition. Even though I’m well now, they still don’t want to talk about it. I’ve forgiven my parents for their reaction but it still hurts.

I think I’m avoiding telling my parents because I hate conflict. And I don’t want to defend my beliefs. I just want to say, “I’m getting baptized in the LDS church, and you’re welcome to come to the ceremony.” Then they can say, “Cool. We’ll come” or “Cool. But we don’t feel comfortable going.” But I know it’s not that easy. They’ll be a million questions about the church and what I do or don’t believe. The whole question of the grandchildren’s (my children’s) religion. What about baptism and marriage? What does the Boy think about all of this? How can I support a religion with such weird values? Why am I joining a religion that is anti-choice and doesn’t support homosexual relationships?

The current recommendation from Kay and the Boy is not to tell my parents about joining the Church. They think that if I must tell my parents, then I should do it after I move and not while I’m living at home.

I don’t know. I debated even posting about this. I don’t know how they’ll react. Heck, I should just tell my mom tonight and see what she says. Then I’ll have something to real to write about and not just be speculating.

Who I’ve Told So Far

So far I’ve told four people that I’m interested in in the LDS church. Two of them were my old roommates who were wondering why missionaries were sitting on their couches. The roommates didn’t really care, but had questions about polygamy. The third person was the Boy. His current official statement is that he’ll support me but he’ll be sad if I don’t want to look at churches with me after we’re married. That doesn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside but I’ll take what I can get. I guess. :-\ And I told my very best friend Kay tonight. She’s fairly indifferent and understands the blend of ‘liberal’ values plus the more conservative religion. This is the fairly non-religious girl who is attracted to other women and does research on lesbian Israeli culture, but may convert to Conservative Judaism rather than Reformed. She can’t really criticize me. But she is coming to my baptism. Yay! Other than those four people, no one else knows. I told my mom that I’ve gone to a Mormon church but that’s it.

Telling My Friends

I don’t think my friends will care because they’ve already heard enough strange things come out of my mouth. Besides, I’m the weird pro-choice, anti-war, feminist, and extremely liberal knitter who ends up answering awkward sex ed questions from friends most of the time.

Telling the Fam

I am worried about my parents and other relatives. My mom is fairly nonreligious though she does believe in God and she goes to church when she has to. Her attitude is going to be “um, why are you going to church? why are you, the liberal person you are, going to a church known for conservative values?” My dad is a Catholic/Presbyterian mix and I’m pretty sure he’ll think that I’m now going to hell. I think my mom’s parents might think I’m joining a cult but won’t give me a hard time. And if I told my dad’s parents, they would definitely think I’m going to hell. They almost disowned us when I was baptized Protestant and not Catholic. So I’m not telling the grandparents anything.

Stay tuned for: What’s the big deal?

So the countdown has begun. My baptism date is set. Now I need to think about (church-related) things I have to do before then.

• Continue taking lessons from the missionaries.
• Keep reading the scriptures.
  • I can read about five chapters of the Book of Mormon at a time and then I fall asleep. I’ll blame it on my faulty endocrine gland.
• Keep going to church.
• Research and think about things I am uncertain about.
• Finish my knitted wrap that I’ve now dubbed the Baptism Wrap.
• Learn how to pray aloud.
  • The missionaries laughed last time I prayed aloud - not in a mean way though.
• Remember to pray.
• Buy white underwear so I don’t flash everyone after I’ve been dunked.
• Follow the Word of Wisdom.
  • I’m down to no coffee, tea, wine or hard liquor. Tobacco was never an issue. No drinking in public. But I occasionally have a drink at home. The solution would just be to not buy any alcohol. But I’m living at my parents’ house and they usually have beer and wine around. Argh - self-control.
  • The comments on Drink, Drank, Drunk as well as this quote on the WoW has helped me, “Most people want some scientific proof of exactly which compound does exactly what, but honestly, it all just boils down to faith. The Lord doesn’t often provide a clear why with His commandments. If you believe the Lord said it, then you’ll just have to trust Him.”
• Tell my close family and friends about joining the LDS Church. (??)

That last item is going to be the hardest and I’ve been working on a post about it. My next few posts will probably be about that since I’ve decided it’s easier to explain in multiple parts.

On the way to work today I was talking to the Boy about the Word of Wisdom, specifically the alcohol part of it. I said, it’s not about whether or not I think the drinking alcohol is immoral or not. Drinking isn’t immoral, unless you do something irresponsible while you’re intoxicated. It’s about making a promise when I know I can’t keep that promise. Plus I can’t really fudge on the WoW because it’s pretty obvious if you’re drinking a beer at the bar.

Anyhow, I come how from work to find an email from the Boy. Basically he’s upset because I’m talking about changing what I do based on a rule I don’t really believe in. He has a good point there. But that’s why I’m continuing to meditate on it. Then he says, “I know it probably sounds like I’m just trying to fight this conversion idea tooth and nail, but I swear I told myself yesterday that I would just try to accept it and be supportive. That being said, I don’t want to see you give up something that I know you enjoy unless you’re sure it’s worth it.” Err… well, I know it’s worth it. (Ha! Maybe there’s my answer to the WoW issue!) And I’m concerned that he has to tell himself that he will try to accept it and be supportive. So we had a talk about that. It seemed to stress him out more than it stressed me out.

Here’s what we came up with. 1. Having a mixed faith marriage is not a deal-breaker. 2. Neither of us will try to convert each other. 3. His preferred church option is for us all to have the same religion. I’ve told him that I can’t promise him that. Another option (my preferred option) is to go to our ‘family’ service in the morning and then I can go to the LDS service in the afternoon. Hopefully we’ll live in a ward with an afternoon service. For some bizarre reason, that is not a good option for the Boy. Why? Because, according to him, I would be “just paying lip-service” to that church. Um, no, I’m fairly flexible on attending church services. I’ll go and support my husband and kids as long as I don’t have to believe. I did grow up in a Protestant church, y’know. Another option is for him to come to church with me - and then when we have kids, we can decide whether or not to send them to Sunday school or to have them just go to sacrament meeting. Of course, I’d be fine with him being baptized too — but only if that’s what he wants to do. The Boy says he just needs to get used to the idea that I’m probably going to be a Mormon. Poor guy.

One of the major questions that I have is: Is it wrong to join the LDS church when I don’t have that TBM* faith? And out of that question comes another: Why is it all or none in the LDS church? Why can’t there be a middle way?

The all-or-none phenomena baffles me. Maybe it’s the way I was raised. We could always question our church when I was growing up. I was very aware that my parents didn’t didn’t believe everything the church taught. I knew they didn’t share the same religious beliefs. It is bizarre to read stories about people who believe everything the LDS church teaches. It seems like it would make your expectations of the church so much higher.

If I was someone else, I would ask me: why join a church that you don’t completely agree with? Well, I don’t think I will ever find a church that I agree with 100%. At the same time, I need to have something to believe in, and right now I need to believe within the structure of a church. I like many things that the LDS church teaches. I dislike some of the social aspects and the all-or-none phenomena is one of them.

The church is a human institution. The prophets are human. Neither the church nor the prophets are infallible. Only the Godhead is perfect. This seems so clear to me and it solves many of the issues with the LDS church. I doubt Heavenly Father would grant us a perfect church. Our purpose here is to learn, yes? And to learn we need to make mistakes. So why can’t the church be the same way? I think Heavenly Father gives us direction but he wants us to figure things out on our own too. Isn’t that how most parents are?

So back to my original question: Is it wrong to join the Church when I lack TBM faith? I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s wrong. I think it is better to look at your religion and say, “you know, there are some things that I don’t agree with, but there is a lot I like. I believe that things will work out in the end.”

* TBM = True Believing Mormon